i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I currently don't understand fingers.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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