i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
