Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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