Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
