she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
