I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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