remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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