i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
