ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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