I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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