I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
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