when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
