hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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