I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
