I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
no you cant smoke seaweed
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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