dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
barbara walters just said penis...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
