There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
