I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
