i would punch a child for taco bell
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
