Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
