My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
