Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
