Just fell off a train. Bad.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
