I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
