there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
