Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
