I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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