my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
