my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
