I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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