We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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