You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
