I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
