how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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