You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
