There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
