Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
