I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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