Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
