I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
