i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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