Don't you send me to vm
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
