Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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