my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
