woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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