I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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