You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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