life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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