He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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