Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
