i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
