Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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